Post Camp

I realize how quickly we fall back into our lives, the daily grind, the normal routine, the friends we surround ourselves with. This all plays into who we are in that moment in time. I realize being away from camp, how much the affect of what has happened effects my day to day routine. I am constantly aware of who I am, where I am and what I allow to define the person I am becoming. I was never as confident and aware as I am now. I will not allow this summer to be a distant memory, it will remain a part of who I am every minute of every day.

It was hard at first to fall back into my normal routine. I wasn't the same person I was before this summer, so how could I return to "this" life. I was skeptical and scared being away from my community of adoptees. I wasn't sure if I would be able to relate to the people in my life anymore. How could they possibly understand what I had been through? Would they really want to listen to what I had learned, seen and experienced? And would I even want to share with them what had happened to me over the summer. I kept it close to my chest for a long time, not wanting that feeling to be belittled by other people.

I didn't want this amazing summer to be reduced to, "Oh yeah it was a great summer!" So it took a long time for me to actually talk about my experiences. Which I did, and it felt unbelievable, because for the first time, the people in my life that couldn't relate, now see from an entirely new perspective and understanding. Which made them feel closer to me, than ever before.

Change...

I'm always dumbfounded when people say, "They can't change, that's just how they are." I find it to be such a cop out. I believe people are always capable of change, in fact, I hope they are growing and learning and changing all the time. I believe its a choice, and some people choose not to change. For them I can only feel sympathy, because they are missing out on so much life experiences. Defining moments that alter the way we view and feel about life.

I've learned alot from this past week. I've talked to my parent's about topics I've always been afraid or not encouraged to ask. But I realized if I were to learn anything, if my parent's were to learn anything, this was the time to test that theory. My dad is an amazing man. He has always been a mentor to me. As a child, the few times I have tried to express my issues on adoption, he would listen, and always say just be proud of who you are. I guess he didn't realize I had no idea who I was, my identity was a mystery at that age. I felt I was in limbo, not really belonging to my family and not really knowing what being Asian was. I looked one way on the outside, but felt completely different on the inside.

I asked him if he ever thought about the reality of adopting a child of a different race. He said he never thought about it. I didn't understand, you never thought about it? How is that possible? Well he said he was so thankful and excited about adopting me, and becoming his daughter, nothing else mattered. From the moment I was put into his arms, I was his daughter, blood or not. I was apart of his family and that's all that mattered.

Now for a minute I stood back and thought, how ignorant. I am being raised in an all white family, a small suburban town, with little to no diversity and you wouldn't think I would have issues with that? But I have to say for the first time ever, I actually understood my dad. I got it. It was hard to hear from my perspective, but I could see for the first time, his perspective.

As an adult, I might disagree with their thinking, but I have to say, I know I was loved. I had a great childhood, and yes it was marred with ignorant incidents and racist comments, but my family always stuck by me. They could never relate, but they tried to raise me and love me the best way they knew how. So I can only be thankful, and grateful that now, after what I've learned from this summer, working with other adoptees, it's never too late to change. My dad recognizes my issues and we can for the first time have a conversations about it. I can only be thankful, that good or bad, everything that has happened to me, has helped define the person I am today.

Parents...

I understand why adoptive parents find it difficult to talk to us about adoption. Its emotional, uncomfortable for both parties and a subject that adoptive parents can't relate to. So after this summer, I had a clear understanding why it was such a touchy subject and how hard it was to start that conversation. If the kids aren't talking about it, then how do the parent's bring it up? And why aren't the kids bringing it up, do they feel like they would hurt their parents feelings, or they're not encouraged to, or do they not feel comfortable talking to their parent's about it? Or do they feel like I did, when I tried and my parent's got all emotional and shut down, so made it hard for me to ever bring it up again. So I never did.

Closing that door has led to many suppressed issues over the years. I never had that environment where I felt safe and supported to talk about all of the emotions and issues I was feeling and going through. I can't blame my parent's entirely, but I can make them take responsibility for adopting a child of a different race. With that comes more than just giving us a home, love and family. Its a responsibility of making a promise that when we do have issues and questions, which we will, we can come and talk to them about it, and feel safe and encouraged to do so. That is part of the package, as difficult and uncomfortable as that might be, it's the responsibility of our parents to recognize that.

Searching for my birth parents...

I've gone my entire life without having any interest in searching for my birth parents. Yes, I went through my anger period when I thought, how could she just walk away from me, abandon me at such a young age. Walk away from her own flesh and blood. The older I got I was able to see it from her side, and realize that she was trying to give me a better life, a chance I might not have had with her.

After talking to soo many adoptees this summer, that had searched for their birth parents, and found them, I guess deep down inside it gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, I could get Holt to pull my files and there might be some lost letter or forgotten piece of paper with some information about my birth parents.

Unfortunately I knew that records weren't kept as well as they are today, and there was little to no hope in finding my parents. My feelings were confirmed when I had Holt pull my records, which I guess deep down inside I knew. But for some reason, I have to admit, I was sad. I guess the child in me, still held on to the hope that someday, somewhere, I would find them. But for now, I am content in knowing that I will have no regrets pulling my files. And now, I can finally close the door to that part of my life.

Thank you

Thank you guys for reading and becoming followers!! I appreciate it more than you know!! I plan on posting once a week, so let me know what you think!! Love you guys!!

Its a constant battle dealing with the issue of my identity. Before this summer, I was in limbo. Raised in an all white family, in a small suburban town, I was the only adoptee. I was acutely aware of how different I was and how I didn't quite fit in with my family. I mean they never made me feel adopted, they were great at trying to assimilate me into being a Foley, but I was constantly reminded in public that I was always going to be viewed as not one of them. Whether it was strangers asking ignorant questions, or other kids pointing out," Oh those are YOUR parents?"

I guess I got use to it, so I became immune to those comments as a kid. The few Asians in my town, I'm talking about 3 other Asians, were all raised by Asian parents, raised in their culture, and again something I couldn't relate to. So it was hard for me to understand their perspectives on life. I have to admit being around other Asian as a kid made me uncomfortable. I wanted so much to be white, that I guess in my mind, being around other Asians, would make remind people that I was Asian. I know, stupid. I remember asking my dad, "Well I look more white than Asian, right?"

But the struggle I have is that so many Caucasians expect me to want to get in touch with my roots, and are almost mad or confused on why I wouldn't want to know more about my heritage. I would get upset because why do I have to investigate that part of me? Do you see the struggle, I was raised American, look Korean, but feel white. So before this summer, I had no interest in exploring my heritage. I didn't feel Korean, in fact, I hated being Asian, well hates a strong word, but had issue with being Asian. I never felt like that was an important identity I needed to examine.

But now my perspective has changed. I don't know what it is, but being around all those adoptees this summer, and hearing their stories, really changed me. It made me proud to be Korean, and for the first time, I didn't look around in a room and wish I was that pretty brunette in the corner. I had pride in who I was and that was a first. I could look in the mirror and actually like the person staring back at me.

I know after this summer, I'm not the only person that has felt this way, so I pose a question, if you've ever dealt with this inner struggle, adopted or not, how did you get to a place where you could look at yourself in the mirror and love the person staring back at you?

I

Holt Camp 2011

It's taken a good three weeks for me to truly reflect on what has happened to me this summer. I can't even begin to tell my close friends how much this camp experience has changed my life. It was the first time I've been around other adoptees, and it was overwhelming for me at first. I was surrounded by people that could finally relate to what I had been going through my entire life. Imagine that, all these years, alone, feeling slightly crazy for having suppressed all of those feelings and now I had 20 other people that could validate my experiences and feelings...I have finally found a community that I belong to. Where I can be myself and not be judged or made fun of. Its an amazing feeling to finally have found a place where I belong, feel safe and have others that can relate, who truly get it......