Never Too Late to Change

About a month ago, an editor from Holt International Magazine contacted me, wondering if she could publish one of my entries from my blog.....I was overwhelmed with excitement to think that A. she was aware and reading my blog and B. wanted to publish it in their magazine.....So here it is, plus I added another article that was published a month or so ago, an interview I had with Michael Tessier, one of the directors of the summer camps!! Hope you guys enjoy it!!!
Never Too Late to Change
Why Holt Adoptee Camp is So Special….AND FUN!

My story.....

I will never make excuses about being honest with my story, because it's mine, and mine alone. I have had front row seats to my life, and hopefully I can use what I've learned so far to help others, through their struggles and issues. Yes, we might not agree with each other, yes we might have had a different experience, but we all have the right, and sometimes the responsibility to be completely honest and raw about our journey.

I will never warp, or alter my experience to make others feel safe, or comfortable, because I've had to do that too much already in my life. There is no judgement here, no sensor, no filter. Just honesty, that's all I can hope for.

I am still on my journey and it has far from ended. I will constantly be learning, changing and understanding why I feel the way I do. It's a constant ebb and flow of how great of a week I am having to trying to get through a rough day. But I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and that gives me some comfort. When I am having a particularly hard day, I can call up one of my adoptee friends and vent, and they can listen and help me through, and that makes all the difference in the world.

I understand how hard it can be for a non adoptee to fully understand what we are going through in our lives, and I encourage parents, siblings, friends, husbands and wives to start a conversation to allow that dialogue to begin. It comes down to love, understanding and listening, and then creating a strong support system. We might not have all the answers, and ya know what, that's o.k.....

My hope....

This weekend gave me hope, but also re-emphasized an important issue. I realized that even though we are spread all around the United States, there are still concentrations of us within each state. And how amazing that would be if we could all organize a way to strengthen our local adoptee communities. Yes, FB, twitter, emails and phone calls are great ways to stay connected, but I've come to realize the significance of the actual physical act of getting together that is so powerful. It re-energizes us as individuals to be in a room full of adoptees and gives us that unsaid support and understanding that is so crucial in our lives.

I want that for all adoptees, so they don't have to grow up like I did, without the community. As young adults it's easy to get lost in college and parties and work, but I've seen what bringing adoptee's together does, and its priceless....It's a need that everyone of us should want and have. So I hope if you are an adoptee and you're reading this, think of what can you do locally that will strengthen our community. What can you do for other younger adoptee's in your community to help them feel not so alone...It's about time we started thinking of each other as a huge extended family. And as a family we support, love and listen to each other.

My hope is that the friendships we create at camp, retreats, picnics, and get togethers, will be a part of our lives forever. And from that will grow a strong adoptee community all around the world.

I am....

I am a shade of yellow in a sea of white

I am an artist stuck in a mold

I am a women caged in a stereotype

I am an adoptee without a family

I am abandoned without a name

I am abandoned without a name...

I am a shell of someone I cannot relate to

I am ashamed of who I am..

I am screaming in a room full of strangers

I am alone, isolated and confused

I am unable to relate

I am an adoptee

I am breaking the barrier

I am finding the path

I am discovering the truth

I am fighting the stereotypes

I am looking for the community

I am growing strong in who I am

I am not alone.....

I am beautiful

I am smart

I am strong

I am an adoptee

I am unique

I am special

I AM NOT ALONE.....

Thank you....

In one instance, one event, one chance meeting and your life changes forever. That's how I feel about this past year. I could and would not be where I am if it had not been for one person, my husband. I would not have had the opportunities to start a journey I was too frightened and unsupported to begin. He opened up a door for me, one that I've been avoiding my entire life. He showed me what true unconditional love and trust means, and I can't begin to thank him enough for that.

He has given me an amazing opportunity to work for Holt this summer. A summer that will define who I am and what I will become. I have had the privilege of getting to know these strong, beautiful, talented, funny and unique people throughout the United States. I was all alone, and then I found this family, this amazing family, to draw strength, understanding and love from. They have trusted me and allowed me into their lives, a gift I can never truly repay them for. I can't thank you guys enough for what you have given me this past summer, it has changed the person I am, forever.

Only now, as I reflect back on the year, can I truly appreciate the courage it took to change paths, supported by an amazing, unconditional love. Thank you....Thank you.

I can't hide who I am.....

I can't hide who I am. I can't change my name, wear colored contacts and die my hair, and NOT be Asian. I have forever been subject to some sort of judgement or comment concerning my family, name and non accent. I got to a point where I would have a one minute speech ready, when the inevitable confused look would overcome someones face, after I stood up after my name was called.

It's exhausting always defining myself then defending who I am, against racist and ignorant comments. I would be that person, laughing along with stereotypes, even participating in them sometimes, just to make it "comfortable" for everyone. But what about me? What about my feelings, how are those so easily pushed aside and forgotten? I guess I've just been struggling lately with always defending who I am, to unwarranted comments and judgements on who they think I should be.

Finding the balance....

It breaks my heart, when I hear other adoptee's going through what I've struggled through and what I'm still struggling with. I wish I had an easy answer, it gets better with time, age and distance. But the truth is its a never ending journey. There is a true balance that we need to achieve, the ability to deal with the ebbs and flows of our journey. One day you will be overwhelmed with emotions, issues, and other days they remain in the background. We can't hide the way we look, we can't run away from who we are.
We are special, beautiful, smart, funny and unique. Never forget that. It can seem overwhelming at times, isolating, lonely, but that's when your community can step in, and help lift that weight off your shoulders and let you breathe. I didn't have anyone to talk to when I was younger, so take advantage of the people that care about you and can relate to what you're going through. You don't have to do it on your own....