Happy Thanksgiving

I just want to wish all of my fellow adoptee's around the world "Happy Thanksgiving!" A time to be thankful for all those amazing people in our lives....who have helped us become the strong, beautiful, talented individuals that we are....

Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while....I'll be posting soon....

Insight....

I can't imagine my life without the camp experience.  And I can't speak as a camper, only as leadership, but I have to say it has changed the person I am.  There are so many questions growing up, identity struggles, teenage angst and most of all trying to figure out who I was.

The panels gave me a rare insight on what other adoptees think, feel and experience, as well as how parents view,act and respond, to their children.  Its a special connection we achieve in these panels.  Parents get to see up close and personal, what it's like to be an adoptee.  And sometimes, adoptees get to say out loud what and how they feel for the first time.  It's hard to always articulate how and what we are feeling, and the vocabulary isn't always there for us to address our issues.

For some it's an easy transition from realizing we are adopted and assimilating into our environment.  For others its a constant struggle, and for them I write this blog.  I had a great childhood, and I love my parents, but there were struggles, avoidance, denial of feelings and not enough information to deal with adopting a child of color.  I can't blame my parents entirely, but I can recognize the issues we had and what kind of environment that created.

I realize for some adoptees that our journeys are all different, and for some the questions and struggles come later on in life.  I love the fact that we have a community where we can talk about it, share and support each other.  That's what's most important to me.  Just a thought I was having today......

Adult sessions and Adoptee Panels.....

One of the most important things I do at camp, is the adoptee panel and the parent adoption sessions.  I ran most of them last year, and this summer.  It gave me a chance for the first time, to hear the concerns, questions and love the parents have for their children.

I assume, like my parent's ,they love their kids, completely thankful they have them in their lives and worry about the well being of their sons and daughters.  But unlike other families, adopted children have many layers, not just being a kid or teenager, or young adult but the questions, struggles and identity conflict that make up a part of being an adoptee.  It ebbs and flows throughout an adoptee's life, sometimes at the forefront, other times not even a conscious thought.  

Parent's look at their children and want the best for them.  To take away any pain or fears, and love them unconditionally.  I understand that,completely, but there is no easy fix for an adoptee.  Whether they are talking to you about this or not, it's there, conscious, subconscious, permeating their everyday lives.  Like most, we are adopted into white families.  Raised in prodominately white communites and usually with few if not any adoptees around.  As much as we try to blend, we can't hide who or what we are.  Now I'm speaking from a strickly personal point of view, being Korean and a female.  I can't hide the fact, that I'm asain, and when I go out with my parents I can't hide the fact that I do not look like them.  

I realized my experience is unique and personal and all mine.  I've seen alot of different adoptee stories this summer and I can relate on some levels but there are still differences among us, that not even I can understand.   

So when I am supervising these sessions with the parents, I'm thinking about all of this.  I am conscious that some parent's might not want to hear what I have to say.  Some parents say, well that's not my kid, they're fine.  Well yes, they are, but they still have these thoughts, questions and concerns.  I've heard them all week long, they've written them down, talked to their counselors about it.  They just might not be ready, comfortable or able to talk to you about it yet.  That's all, plain and simple.  That's why I tell parent's how important it is to keep that door open.  Make it known that you are willing to just listen, you might not have all of the answers, but that's ok.  Usually a kid just wants to be heard.  

So these are my thoughts right now.....I want to talk about what the sessions were like and what was asked of me and other adoptees.  And how that exprience impacted the adoptees and parents.  It's a bit overwhelming sometimes, but in the end it's about knowledge, and I am a true believer that knowledge is power.....

Part 2.....

So I said my goodbyes and boarded the plane for Eugene.  I had no real expectations for this summer.  I knew that it would be amazing, and I would meet new counselors and see old friends, but I had no idea how it was going to change my perspective, yet once again, on how I relate to adoptees....

Camp is such a unique experience.  I can't explain to you how much, after the fact, it has impacted who I am.  I realized how important it is to not only talk about race, adoption and identity, but also how to connect personally with the campers and counselors.  I mean it is after all why we do this, right? For the campers, and to make their experience special and valuable.  But it's also effects us, to share in that experience with them.....to listen, relate and understand how important this family we are creating is...

I realized for the first time, how much the community we are building, is needed, wanted and has to be expanded into just more than one week out of the year, for these adoptees.

It's this unspoken bond, this complete level of understanding that is so rare in our everyday lives.  Yes, I have tons of non adoptee friends, and do I talk about being adopted with my adopted friends all of the time, no.  But there is a layer of ourselves we cannot not deny.  I've seen it, in adoption talks, listening to personal stories, there is a definite need to have someone you can relate to.  Girls need it, boys need it, and yes adoptees need it too.

We might not express it, think about it or even feel it right now, but its a sub conscience thought.  It's a layer of ourselves that define a part of who we are.  And we can't deny how special that experience is when we are around other adoptees.

After Camp....

I find myself a little depressed after leaving camp.  The routine of the days, the amazing people I was surrounded by and the constant feeling of security and understanding.  It's a hard thing to leave.  I was reminded of why I came back to camp, the family I created, the people I learned to care about and the incredible life lessons that I've gained.  It really is a unique and special experience.

I wasn't sure what this summer would entail.  I was nervous that it wouldn't live up to last year, and I would be disappointed.  But to my surprise it went about and beyond any expectations I had for myself and the camp experience.  It was a completely different experience this year, filled with it's challenges, unbelievable support and love.

Last year, I was nervous, anxious and constantly questioning myself. I had never been around so many adoptees, asians, and people that I could actually relate to.  That's never happened, ever.  Plus not having done camp ever, I was jumping into a leadership role, what did I have to offer? Have I worked through my issues to help others and lead?  I had no idea.

So coming back this summer, as much as I loved last year, and made amazing friends, it was completely different.  I felt more confident, grounded, and now having a summer under my belt, prepared.  So my attitude had changed and it didn't hurt that three of my good friends were all going to be on leadership with me....lol

So I packed, got ready for 6 weeks of camp and drove to the airport.....


                                            to be continued..........

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Hey guys! Can't wait to write about camp!! As soon as I get myself organized I will be posting a new entry!!

The Movement

I always find a common theme when it comes to adoptees.  A running thread if you will, that connects us and creates a community, that we are not always aware of.  That's what's amazing to me, when I opened my eyes, and realized how many adoptees there were around me.  Some already plugged into the community, while others, like me, were completely isolated and alone.  It baffles me how I never had another adoptee friend to talk to, relate to, express my fears and questions to.....But now I am so lucky to have that community in my life.  I guess the closer I get to camp, I am more acutely aware of how important a role that plays in my life.

The theme or thread I am talking about is identity.  Some definitely more grounded and confident than others, but always an issue.  Whether it's denial or complete acceptance, there has been a question, or confusion or complete disconnect from their friends and family.  While friends and even family make "jokes" then look at you, and say,you know what I mean....or that's no offensive right?  Or thats what you guys like, right?

Identity for an adoptee will be a natural curiosity, a struggle, an issue.  I mean to grow up in an all white family and be a different race, will naturally bring up questions for you and your friends, strangers.  So what I say is embrace it.  Know that you are not alone and that you're not crazy for thinking that, or confused, or struggling with your own identity.  Reach out and talk to other adoptees, reach out to your local communities!! With the age of FB and Twitter and Blogs, we should never feel alone again.  It's just a matter of becoming aware and reaching out.....It breaks my heart when I hear I was hopeless, or I feel ugly, kids make fun of me, bully me.....I have no one to talk to.....Let us be the movement to connect those individuals who feel isolated and alone......

So it's been a while....I am doing Holt Camps again this year, and  I know that I am definitely in a different place than I was a year ago.  I realize I have a lot more to offer, and instead of going in like a freshman, I feel more like a senior.....maybe a graduate!! Lol....I am soo excited to use what I've learned in the past year to help other adoptees, navigate through this sometimes difficult journey.

Racism

Racism......such a powerful word. It stirs up so many feelings, raises so many questions. Is it taught or learned? Is it powered by fear or ignorance? As I child I had no idea what this word meant, I just knew how it felt to be called names and placed into stereotypes. I was confused and hurt, conflicted with the way I looked and felt. It was a hard time just being a kid, let alone dealing with racism and identity issues.

 I often wonder how different my experience was compared to other adoptees. It's not always a subject we like talking about. At least I know I wasn't ready to deal with the reality of being one of the few minorities in my town. As a kid, I felt like everyone else. I grew up with the same kids for 18yrs, there was no more explaining myself, no defining who I was. I was safe, accepted and loved.

 Once I left my town, and went to college it all changed. I had to redefine myself, explain to strangers why Tracy Foley wasn't a red haired, freckled, Irish girl. It was exhausting. I had spent 18yrs just being, and now I was a stranger to everyone, a stereotype, an easy target. It was a hard transition for me to make, in fact sometimes it felt like I was all alone. I had no one who could relate to what I was going through. It put me into a deep depression for a long time. I eventually pulled myself out and started to face all of the issues I was suppressing, and started to realize how liberating and amazing it felt to be honest with myself and my family and friends.

 I empowered myself, to not allow other people to define me, I defined myself.....

Hey everyone! I'm sorry I haven't written anything lately, I've been really busy! But I promise that I will have something this weekend!! Hope everyone is doing well, and would love to hear from some of you adoptees if you get the chance!

Never Too Late to Change

About a month ago, an editor from Holt International Magazine contacted me, wondering if she could publish one of my entries from my blog.....I was overwhelmed with excitement to think that A. she was aware and reading my blog and B. wanted to publish it in their magazine.....So here it is, plus I added another article that was published a month or so ago, an interview I had with Michael Tessier, one of the directors of the summer camps!! Hope you guys enjoy it!!!
Never Too Late to Change
Why Holt Adoptee Camp is So Special….AND FUN!

My story.....

I will never make excuses about being honest with my story, because it's mine, and mine alone. I have had front row seats to my life, and hopefully I can use what I've learned so far to help others, through their struggles and issues. Yes, we might not agree with each other, yes we might have had a different experience, but we all have the right, and sometimes the responsibility to be completely honest and raw about our journey.

I will never warp, or alter my experience to make others feel safe, or comfortable, because I've had to do that too much already in my life. There is no judgement here, no sensor, no filter. Just honesty, that's all I can hope for.

I am still on my journey and it has far from ended. I will constantly be learning, changing and understanding why I feel the way I do. It's a constant ebb and flow of how great of a week I am having to trying to get through a rough day. But I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and that gives me some comfort. When I am having a particularly hard day, I can call up one of my adoptee friends and vent, and they can listen and help me through, and that makes all the difference in the world.

I understand how hard it can be for a non adoptee to fully understand what we are going through in our lives, and I encourage parents, siblings, friends, husbands and wives to start a conversation to allow that dialogue to begin. It comes down to love, understanding and listening, and then creating a strong support system. We might not have all the answers, and ya know what, that's o.k.....

My hope....

This weekend gave me hope, but also re-emphasized an important issue. I realized that even though we are spread all around the United States, there are still concentrations of us within each state. And how amazing that would be if we could all organize a way to strengthen our local adoptee communities. Yes, FB, twitter, emails and phone calls are great ways to stay connected, but I've come to realize the significance of the actual physical act of getting together that is so powerful. It re-energizes us as individuals to be in a room full of adoptees and gives us that unsaid support and understanding that is so crucial in our lives.

I want that for all adoptees, so they don't have to grow up like I did, without the community. As young adults it's easy to get lost in college and parties and work, but I've seen what bringing adoptee's together does, and its priceless....It's a need that everyone of us should want and have. So I hope if you are an adoptee and you're reading this, think of what can you do locally that will strengthen our community. What can you do for other younger adoptee's in your community to help them feel not so alone...It's about time we started thinking of each other as a huge extended family. And as a family we support, love and listen to each other.

My hope is that the friendships we create at camp, retreats, picnics, and get togethers, will be a part of our lives forever. And from that will grow a strong adoptee community all around the world.

I am....

I am a shade of yellow in a sea of white

I am an artist stuck in a mold

I am a women caged in a stereotype

I am an adoptee without a family

I am abandoned without a name

I am abandoned without a name...

I am a shell of someone I cannot relate to

I am ashamed of who I am..

I am screaming in a room full of strangers

I am alone, isolated and confused

I am unable to relate

I am an adoptee

I am breaking the barrier

I am finding the path

I am discovering the truth

I am fighting the stereotypes

I am looking for the community

I am growing strong in who I am

I am not alone.....

I am beautiful

I am smart

I am strong

I am an adoptee

I am unique

I am special

I AM NOT ALONE.....

Thank you....

In one instance, one event, one chance meeting and your life changes forever. That's how I feel about this past year. I could and would not be where I am if it had not been for one person, my husband. I would not have had the opportunities to start a journey I was too frightened and unsupported to begin. He opened up a door for me, one that I've been avoiding my entire life. He showed me what true unconditional love and trust means, and I can't begin to thank him enough for that.

He has given me an amazing opportunity to work for Holt this summer. A summer that will define who I am and what I will become. I have had the privilege of getting to know these strong, beautiful, talented, funny and unique people throughout the United States. I was all alone, and then I found this family, this amazing family, to draw strength, understanding and love from. They have trusted me and allowed me into their lives, a gift I can never truly repay them for. I can't thank you guys enough for what you have given me this past summer, it has changed the person I am, forever.

Only now, as I reflect back on the year, can I truly appreciate the courage it took to change paths, supported by an amazing, unconditional love. Thank you....Thank you.