I'm not alone.....

It's funny when I'm writing these entries, sometimes I forgot how many people are reading this. It's rare that I get a comment, and when I do, I am overwhelmed with the love and support. I had a friend from camp write me an email, and it really struck a cord.

We get so caught up in our daily routine, that we sometimes forget the personal issues we are dealing with. It's easy to get lost in work, friends, and school. But when we pause and take a moment to reflect on our lives, we realize what is at the core of who we are. How the affect of people and events have on our lives. Almost every day I'm reminded that I'm adopted. At the doctors, holidays, birthdays, out with friends, with my family. It's always present, and I guess to a point I've learned how to ignore it, or I'm just immune to it, but there are days, I really struggle with it, and those days, are rough. I use to feel alone, really alone, and fell in to a depression for a long time. I wasn't sure why I depressed, I just knew that I felt hopeless, isolated and angry. But I had no one who I could talk to about it, so the depression got worse. I eventually dealt with it, and moved beyond it, but until this summer, I still carried a bit of it with me.

The camps really gave me the outlet I desperately needed and a family I could now, not live without. I am so lucky to be apart of this amazing community. I'm not sure if I would have been able to talk about and face some of the issues I've been dealing with, if it had not been for the courage of the adoptees at these camps. It was a safe and supportive environment that I will be forever thankful for. In one summer, I was able to be honest and completely vulnerable with people who could truly relate and deeply felt and understood, what I was going through.

Panels....

I've never been asked to be on a panel, until this past summer. I worked at Holt Adoption Camps all summer and traveled around the United States, writing and implementing curriculum for the camps, and running adoption talks. But I have to say, one of the most therapeutic things I did, was being asked to be on these panels, where we answered questions the director asked us, and then answered questions from adoptive parents. Not only was this the first time I had been around adoptees, it was the first time I've talked about some of these issues, let alone said them out loud in front of total strangers. It gave me a sense of relief, putting out there all of these feelings I've been suppressing for most of my life. A huge weight was lifted and it felt amazing. At first I was nervous and not sure what I wanted to share, and terrified of what parent's would ask me. But after the first time, I loved it. It not only helped me mentally and emotionally, it helped educate these parents, who really wanted to listen and learn from our experiences.

This past week, I was asked to be on another panel, but instead of adoptive parents, it was the Asian Community of Atlanta. There were about 30 people there, and it was completely laid back and supportive. But it had a completely different feel. They really felt for us, and maybe they had very specific feelings about adoptees, and issue with that, but for the first time, for some of them, they really got to see it from a perspective they never had the opportunity to view it from, and it really affected them. I had one man, probably around 55-60, come up to me after, and say,"Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be thinking about this for a very long time." And I could see the tears in his eyes. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea what he had gone through, but I could tell it was significant and he had a huge emotional reaction to our stories.

I realized that even within the Asian community,there is still the need to educate, because they see us physically, and assume so many things about us, having no idea who and what we are, aside from what we look like. They are disappointed or disgusted sometimes, that we don't know Korean, or have not embraced our birth culture. They don't realize the struggles we had, with our identity, growing up in an all white family, and an all white community. They can't relate, and so we are constantly caught in this limbo, where we feel isolate and alone. But I appreciate opportunities like this, to be able to educate and bring together people, that maybe for the first time, can see from a different perspective and hopefully understand for a moment, what we struggle with, everyday.

Bonds

Sorry guys!! I have been soo busy this past week, I totally forgot to write a new entry! I have to say I met a new adoptee this week and it was great! She asked me to be a part of a panel for Asian adoptees. I'm sooo excited, I'll have to tell you guys all about it! I have to say I love the instant bond we feel when we are around other adoptees. It's a different kind of friendship, one that brings complete strangers together and creates families, relationships unlike any in my life. This past summer has given me brothers, sisters, best friends that will last a life time. I will forever be thankful for finally finding the adoptee community. I couldn't live without it!!