I assume, like my parent's ,they love their kids, completely thankful they have them in their lives and worry about the well being of their sons and daughters. But unlike other families, adopted children have many layers, not just being a kid or teenager, or young adult but the questions, struggles and identity conflict that make up a part of being an adoptee. It ebbs and flows throughout an adoptee's life, sometimes at the forefront, other times not even a conscious thought.
Parent's look at their children and want the best for them. To take away any pain or fears, and love them unconditionally. I understand that,completely, but there is no easy fix for an adoptee. Whether they are talking to you about this or not, it's there, conscious, subconscious, permeating their everyday lives. Like most, we are adopted into white families. Raised in prodominately white communites and usually with few if not any adoptees around. As much as we try to blend, we can't hide who or what we are. Now I'm speaking from a strickly personal point of view, being Korean and a female. I can't hide the fact, that I'm asain, and when I go out with my parents I can't hide the fact that I do not look like them.
I realized my experience is unique and personal and all mine. I've seen alot of different adoptee stories this summer and I can relate on some levels but there are still differences among us, that not even I can understand.
So when I am supervising these sessions with the parents, I'm thinking about all of this. I am conscious that some parent's might not want to hear what I have to say. Some parents say, well that's not my kid, they're fine. Well yes, they are, but they still have these thoughts, questions and concerns. I've heard them all week long, they've written them down, talked to their counselors about it. They just might not be ready, comfortable or able to talk to you about it yet. That's all, plain and simple. That's why I tell parent's how important it is to keep that door open. Make it known that you are willing to just listen, you might not have all of the answers, but that's ok. Usually a kid just wants to be heard.
So these are my thoughts right now.....I want to talk about what the sessions were like and what was asked of me and other adoptees. And how that exprience impacted the adoptees and parents. It's a bit overwhelming sometimes, but in the end it's about knowledge, and I am a true believer that knowledge is power.....
Hey Tracy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post. I was compelled to comment on your comments since I feel very similarly to you in that the adoptee panels and adoptive parent sessions are definitely a huge, important piece of Holt Camp, and in post adoption services in general.
Working with another adoptive family organization, The Ties Program (www.adoptivefamilytravel.com), and going on birth county visits and birth family reunions with them has given me more experience in working with adoptees and also interacting with their parents. You're right, no two stories are the same, and also parents sometimes have a hard time getting the fact that their child may not be sharing everything that they think they are with them. Like you said, I think many parents want to be the end-all be-all for their kids even when they hit their teens and young adulthood (I know my mom did!!), but that is just not the case. Even kids that have wonderful relationships with their parents aren't saying everything to them about their adoption experience. This is why it is important for us to have our space and time together as adoptees and just put all those thoughts out there that we have or may not have realized that we had, and just validate ourselves.
So, if any adoptive parents are reading this - first of all, it's not personal. second of all, I would say make sure your kids know you're open to hear them out and that you have done your adoptee homework, that they have an outlet where they can just be around other adoptees, talk to an adoption specialist (if big issues are coming up), or get involved in camps or gatherings like Holt Camp or The Ties Program where they will actually have some discussion about adoption issues, and most importantly, be around adult adoptee mentors. I can say that has been something that has been a theme throughout my post adoption work - even if an adoptee doesn't have huge ponderings or whatever about their adoption story, they still enjoy having been around other adoptees and having that experience of having someone they can turn to about anything that might up.
Thanks Tracy :)