I am....

I am a shade of yellow in a sea of white

I am an artist stuck in a mold

I am a women caged in a stereotype

I am an adoptee without a family

I am abandoned without a name

I am abandoned without a name...

I am a shell of someone I cannot relate to

I am ashamed of who I am..

I am screaming in a room full of strangers

I am alone, isolated and confused

I am unable to relate

I am an adoptee

I am breaking the barrier

I am finding the path

I am discovering the truth

I am fighting the stereotypes

I am looking for the community

I am growing strong in who I am

I am not alone.....

I am beautiful

I am smart

I am strong

I am an adoptee

I am unique

I am special

I AM NOT ALONE.....

Thank you....

In one instance, one event, one chance meeting and your life changes forever. That's how I feel about this past year. I could and would not be where I am if it had not been for one person, my husband. I would not have had the opportunities to start a journey I was too frightened and unsupported to begin. He opened up a door for me, one that I've been avoiding my entire life. He showed me what true unconditional love and trust means, and I can't begin to thank him enough for that.

He has given me an amazing opportunity to work for Holt this summer. A summer that will define who I am and what I will become. I have had the privilege of getting to know these strong, beautiful, talented, funny and unique people throughout the United States. I was all alone, and then I found this family, this amazing family, to draw strength, understanding and love from. They have trusted me and allowed me into their lives, a gift I can never truly repay them for. I can't thank you guys enough for what you have given me this past summer, it has changed the person I am, forever.

Only now, as I reflect back on the year, can I truly appreciate the courage it took to change paths, supported by an amazing, unconditional love. Thank you....Thank you.

I can't hide who I am.....

I can't hide who I am. I can't change my name, wear colored contacts and die my hair, and NOT be Asian. I have forever been subject to some sort of judgement or comment concerning my family, name and non accent. I got to a point where I would have a one minute speech ready, when the inevitable confused look would overcome someones face, after I stood up after my name was called.

It's exhausting always defining myself then defending who I am, against racist and ignorant comments. I would be that person, laughing along with stereotypes, even participating in them sometimes, just to make it "comfortable" for everyone. But what about me? What about my feelings, how are those so easily pushed aside and forgotten? I guess I've just been struggling lately with always defending who I am, to unwarranted comments and judgements on who they think I should be.

Finding the balance....

It breaks my heart, when I hear other adoptee's going through what I've struggled through and what I'm still struggling with. I wish I had an easy answer, it gets better with time, age and distance. But the truth is its a never ending journey. There is a true balance that we need to achieve, the ability to deal with the ebbs and flows of our journey. One day you will be overwhelmed with emotions, issues, and other days they remain in the background. We can't hide the way we look, we can't run away from who we are.
We are special, beautiful, smart, funny and unique. Never forget that. It can seem overwhelming at times, isolating, lonely, but that's when your community can step in, and help lift that weight off your shoulders and let you breathe. I didn't have anyone to talk to when I was younger, so take advantage of the people that care about you and can relate to what you're going through. You don't have to do it on your own....

I'm not alone.....

It's funny when I'm writing these entries, sometimes I forgot how many people are reading this. It's rare that I get a comment, and when I do, I am overwhelmed with the love and support. I had a friend from camp write me an email, and it really struck a cord.

We get so caught up in our daily routine, that we sometimes forget the personal issues we are dealing with. It's easy to get lost in work, friends, and school. But when we pause and take a moment to reflect on our lives, we realize what is at the core of who we are. How the affect of people and events have on our lives. Almost every day I'm reminded that I'm adopted. At the doctors, holidays, birthdays, out with friends, with my family. It's always present, and I guess to a point I've learned how to ignore it, or I'm just immune to it, but there are days, I really struggle with it, and those days, are rough. I use to feel alone, really alone, and fell in to a depression for a long time. I wasn't sure why I depressed, I just knew that I felt hopeless, isolated and angry. But I had no one who I could talk to about it, so the depression got worse. I eventually dealt with it, and moved beyond it, but until this summer, I still carried a bit of it with me.

The camps really gave me the outlet I desperately needed and a family I could now, not live without. I am so lucky to be apart of this amazing community. I'm not sure if I would have been able to talk about and face some of the issues I've been dealing with, if it had not been for the courage of the adoptees at these camps. It was a safe and supportive environment that I will be forever thankful for. In one summer, I was able to be honest and completely vulnerable with people who could truly relate and deeply felt and understood, what I was going through.

Panels....

I've never been asked to be on a panel, until this past summer. I worked at Holt Adoption Camps all summer and traveled around the United States, writing and implementing curriculum for the camps, and running adoption talks. But I have to say, one of the most therapeutic things I did, was being asked to be on these panels, where we answered questions the director asked us, and then answered questions from adoptive parents. Not only was this the first time I had been around adoptees, it was the first time I've talked about some of these issues, let alone said them out loud in front of total strangers. It gave me a sense of relief, putting out there all of these feelings I've been suppressing for most of my life. A huge weight was lifted and it felt amazing. At first I was nervous and not sure what I wanted to share, and terrified of what parent's would ask me. But after the first time, I loved it. It not only helped me mentally and emotionally, it helped educate these parents, who really wanted to listen and learn from our experiences.

This past week, I was asked to be on another panel, but instead of adoptive parents, it was the Asian Community of Atlanta. There were about 30 people there, and it was completely laid back and supportive. But it had a completely different feel. They really felt for us, and maybe they had very specific feelings about adoptees, and issue with that, but for the first time, for some of them, they really got to see it from a perspective they never had the opportunity to view it from, and it really affected them. I had one man, probably around 55-60, come up to me after, and say,"Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be thinking about this for a very long time." And I could see the tears in his eyes. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea what he had gone through, but I could tell it was significant and he had a huge emotional reaction to our stories.

I realized that even within the Asian community,there is still the need to educate, because they see us physically, and assume so many things about us, having no idea who and what we are, aside from what we look like. They are disappointed or disgusted sometimes, that we don't know Korean, or have not embraced our birth culture. They don't realize the struggles we had, with our identity, growing up in an all white family, and an all white community. They can't relate, and so we are constantly caught in this limbo, where we feel isolate and alone. But I appreciate opportunities like this, to be able to educate and bring together people, that maybe for the first time, can see from a different perspective and hopefully understand for a moment, what we struggle with, everyday.

Bonds

Sorry guys!! I have been soo busy this past week, I totally forgot to write a new entry! I have to say I met a new adoptee this week and it was great! She asked me to be a part of a panel for Asian adoptees. I'm sooo excited, I'll have to tell you guys all about it! I have to say I love the instant bond we feel when we are around other adoptees. It's a different kind of friendship, one that brings complete strangers together and creates families, relationships unlike any in my life. This past summer has given me brothers, sisters, best friends that will last a life time. I will forever be thankful for finally finding the adoptee community. I couldn't live without it!!