I'm not alone.....

It's funny when I'm writing these entries, sometimes I forgot how many people are reading this. It's rare that I get a comment, and when I do, I am overwhelmed with the love and support. I had a friend from camp write me an email, and it really struck a cord.

We get so caught up in our daily routine, that we sometimes forget the personal issues we are dealing with. It's easy to get lost in work, friends, and school. But when we pause and take a moment to reflect on our lives, we realize what is at the core of who we are. How the affect of people and events have on our lives. Almost every day I'm reminded that I'm adopted. At the doctors, holidays, birthdays, out with friends, with my family. It's always present, and I guess to a point I've learned how to ignore it, or I'm just immune to it, but there are days, I really struggle with it, and those days, are rough. I use to feel alone, really alone, and fell in to a depression for a long time. I wasn't sure why I depressed, I just knew that I felt hopeless, isolated and angry. But I had no one who I could talk to about it, so the depression got worse. I eventually dealt with it, and moved beyond it, but until this summer, I still carried a bit of it with me.

The camps really gave me the outlet I desperately needed and a family I could now, not live without. I am so lucky to be apart of this amazing community. I'm not sure if I would have been able to talk about and face some of the issues I've been dealing with, if it had not been for the courage of the adoptees at these camps. It was a safe and supportive environment that I will be forever thankful for. In one summer, I was able to be honest and completely vulnerable with people who could truly relate and deeply felt and understood, what I was going through.

Panels....

I've never been asked to be on a panel, until this past summer. I worked at Holt Adoption Camps all summer and traveled around the United States, writing and implementing curriculum for the camps, and running adoption talks. But I have to say, one of the most therapeutic things I did, was being asked to be on these panels, where we answered questions the director asked us, and then answered questions from adoptive parents. Not only was this the first time I had been around adoptees, it was the first time I've talked about some of these issues, let alone said them out loud in front of total strangers. It gave me a sense of relief, putting out there all of these feelings I've been suppressing for most of my life. A huge weight was lifted and it felt amazing. At first I was nervous and not sure what I wanted to share, and terrified of what parent's would ask me. But after the first time, I loved it. It not only helped me mentally and emotionally, it helped educate these parents, who really wanted to listen and learn from our experiences.

This past week, I was asked to be on another panel, but instead of adoptive parents, it was the Asian Community of Atlanta. There were about 30 people there, and it was completely laid back and supportive. But it had a completely different feel. They really felt for us, and maybe they had very specific feelings about adoptees, and issue with that, but for the first time, for some of them, they really got to see it from a perspective they never had the opportunity to view it from, and it really affected them. I had one man, probably around 55-60, come up to me after, and say,"Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be thinking about this for a very long time." And I could see the tears in his eyes. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea what he had gone through, but I could tell it was significant and he had a huge emotional reaction to our stories.

I realized that even within the Asian community,there is still the need to educate, because they see us physically, and assume so many things about us, having no idea who and what we are, aside from what we look like. They are disappointed or disgusted sometimes, that we don't know Korean, or have not embraced our birth culture. They don't realize the struggles we had, with our identity, growing up in an all white family, and an all white community. They can't relate, and so we are constantly caught in this limbo, where we feel isolate and alone. But I appreciate opportunities like this, to be able to educate and bring together people, that maybe for the first time, can see from a different perspective and hopefully understand for a moment, what we struggle with, everyday.

Bonds

Sorry guys!! I have been soo busy this past week, I totally forgot to write a new entry! I have to say I met a new adoptee this week and it was great! She asked me to be a part of a panel for Asian adoptees. I'm sooo excited, I'll have to tell you guys all about it! I have to say I love the instant bond we feel when we are around other adoptees. It's a different kind of friendship, one that brings complete strangers together and creates families, relationships unlike any in my life. This past summer has given me brothers, sisters, best friends that will last a life time. I will forever be thankful for finally finding the adoptee community. I couldn't live without it!!

Advice...

One of my childhood friends adopted a boy from Korea. I was so happy for her and overjoyed to see how excited they were to finally have him be a part of their family. I never thought about the issues he might have, once he got older, because at the time, I was still in denial myself with my own issues. I realize now after the summer, how much my perspective has changed. I've listened to hundreds of kids, wept and laughed with them, and realized how beautiful it is to have a community of adoptees present in my life.

Recently she reached out to me, and it made my heart ache to think at such a young age, he was already having identity issues. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I asked a friend. He told me never deny the fact they are different, the worse thing you can say is that I don't even see you as Asian or different, I am colorblind. In saying that you are calling them crazy, if I don't feel that way how can you? What you are feeling is invalid. What you should say is yes, you are different, beautiful, special and unique. Celebrate that, be proud of what and who you are. Never be ashamed or embarrassed, because you are amazing just the way you are.

But I truly feel that words can only help so much. After a while they will seem empty if they have no one that they can connect to and express their feelings to, who can truly understand what they are going through. Make it the norm for them to have a community in their lives.....it will make a world of difference.

Atlanta Retreat 2011

This weekend reminded me of why our adoptee community is so important. For someone who never had access to other adoptees, I realize how profound these camps, retreats, and picnics impact our lives. It gives us a sense of family, support and understanding. For that brief moment, it shows us that we are not alone, that there are thousands of us out there, willing to accept and love us, because we can relate to each other, in a way no one else can in our lives. A part of our identity that will forever be defined, explained and judged by other people. That is why it is so important we have these opportunities to be brought together and educate ourselves and other non adoptees on our unique and special circumstances.

I am so lucky to be a part of this experience for other adoptees. I can only hope that this community will keep expanding, where every adoptee feels connected and NOT alone. I can only hope that the distance between us, will keep shrinking and we will feel like no matter where we are, we are always supported and understood. And if we need someone to talk to they are only a phone call or text or skype converstation away. Stay connected, keep building this amazing community, the strength and love you get from these fellow adoptees is priceless. A gift. With every adoptee I meet, I becoming more blessed, being able to share my story and hopefully giving them advice and knowledge from my experiences. And in turn, teaching me how to be strong, confident and loved for who I am.

Post Camp

I realize how quickly we fall back into our lives, the daily grind, the normal routine, the friends we surround ourselves with. This all plays into who we are in that moment in time. I realize being away from camp, how much the affect of what has happened effects my day to day routine. I am constantly aware of who I am, where I am and what I allow to define the person I am becoming. I was never as confident and aware as I am now. I will not allow this summer to be a distant memory, it will remain a part of who I am every minute of every day.

It was hard at first to fall back into my normal routine. I wasn't the same person I was before this summer, so how could I return to "this" life. I was skeptical and scared being away from my community of adoptees. I wasn't sure if I would be able to relate to the people in my life anymore. How could they possibly understand what I had been through? Would they really want to listen to what I had learned, seen and experienced? And would I even want to share with them what had happened to me over the summer. I kept it close to my chest for a long time, not wanting that feeling to be belittled by other people.

I didn't want this amazing summer to be reduced to, "Oh yeah it was a great summer!" So it took a long time for me to actually talk about my experiences. Which I did, and it felt unbelievable, because for the first time, the people in my life that couldn't relate, now see from an entirely new perspective and understanding. Which made them feel closer to me, than ever before.

Change...

I'm always dumbfounded when people say, "They can't change, that's just how they are." I find it to be such a cop out. I believe people are always capable of change, in fact, I hope they are growing and learning and changing all the time. I believe its a choice, and some people choose not to change. For them I can only feel sympathy, because they are missing out on so much life experiences. Defining moments that alter the way we view and feel about life.

I've learned alot from this past week. I've talked to my parent's about topics I've always been afraid or not encouraged to ask. But I realized if I were to learn anything, if my parent's were to learn anything, this was the time to test that theory. My dad is an amazing man. He has always been a mentor to me. As a child, the few times I have tried to express my issues on adoption, he would listen, and always say just be proud of who you are. I guess he didn't realize I had no idea who I was, my identity was a mystery at that age. I felt I was in limbo, not really belonging to my family and not really knowing what being Asian was. I looked one way on the outside, but felt completely different on the inside.

I asked him if he ever thought about the reality of adopting a child of a different race. He said he never thought about it. I didn't understand, you never thought about it? How is that possible? Well he said he was so thankful and excited about adopting me, and becoming his daughter, nothing else mattered. From the moment I was put into his arms, I was his daughter, blood or not. I was apart of his family and that's all that mattered.

Now for a minute I stood back and thought, how ignorant. I am being raised in an all white family, a small suburban town, with little to no diversity and you wouldn't think I would have issues with that? But I have to say for the first time ever, I actually understood my dad. I got it. It was hard to hear from my perspective, but I could see for the first time, his perspective.

As an adult, I might disagree with their thinking, but I have to say, I know I was loved. I had a great childhood, and yes it was marred with ignorant incidents and racist comments, but my family always stuck by me. They could never relate, but they tried to raise me and love me the best way they knew how. So I can only be thankful, and grateful that now, after what I've learned from this summer, working with other adoptees, it's never too late to change. My dad recognizes my issues and we can for the first time have a conversations about it. I can only be thankful, that good or bad, everything that has happened to me, has helped define the person I am today.