I can't hide who I am.....

I can't hide who I am. I can't change my name, wear colored contacts and die my hair, and NOT be Asian. I have forever been subject to some sort of judgement or comment concerning my family, name and non accent. I got to a point where I would have a one minute speech ready, when the inevitable confused look would overcome someones face, after I stood up after my name was called.

It's exhausting always defining myself then defending who I am, against racist and ignorant comments. I would be that person, laughing along with stereotypes, even participating in them sometimes, just to make it "comfortable" for everyone. But what about me? What about my feelings, how are those so easily pushed aside and forgotten? I guess I've just been struggling lately with always defending who I am, to unwarranted comments and judgements on who they think I should be.

Finding the balance....

It breaks my heart, when I hear other adoptee's going through what I've struggled through and what I'm still struggling with. I wish I had an easy answer, it gets better with time, age and distance. But the truth is its a never ending journey. There is a true balance that we need to achieve, the ability to deal with the ebbs and flows of our journey. One day you will be overwhelmed with emotions, issues, and other days they remain in the background. We can't hide the way we look, we can't run away from who we are.
We are special, beautiful, smart, funny and unique. Never forget that. It can seem overwhelming at times, isolating, lonely, but that's when your community can step in, and help lift that weight off your shoulders and let you breathe. I didn't have anyone to talk to when I was younger, so take advantage of the people that care about you and can relate to what you're going through. You don't have to do it on your own....

I'm not alone.....

It's funny when I'm writing these entries, sometimes I forgot how many people are reading this. It's rare that I get a comment, and when I do, I am overwhelmed with the love and support. I had a friend from camp write me an email, and it really struck a cord.

We get so caught up in our daily routine, that we sometimes forget the personal issues we are dealing with. It's easy to get lost in work, friends, and school. But when we pause and take a moment to reflect on our lives, we realize what is at the core of who we are. How the affect of people and events have on our lives. Almost every day I'm reminded that I'm adopted. At the doctors, holidays, birthdays, out with friends, with my family. It's always present, and I guess to a point I've learned how to ignore it, or I'm just immune to it, but there are days, I really struggle with it, and those days, are rough. I use to feel alone, really alone, and fell in to a depression for a long time. I wasn't sure why I depressed, I just knew that I felt hopeless, isolated and angry. But I had no one who I could talk to about it, so the depression got worse. I eventually dealt with it, and moved beyond it, but until this summer, I still carried a bit of it with me.

The camps really gave me the outlet I desperately needed and a family I could now, not live without. I am so lucky to be apart of this amazing community. I'm not sure if I would have been able to talk about and face some of the issues I've been dealing with, if it had not been for the courage of the adoptees at these camps. It was a safe and supportive environment that I will be forever thankful for. In one summer, I was able to be honest and completely vulnerable with people who could truly relate and deeply felt and understood, what I was going through.

Panels....

I've never been asked to be on a panel, until this past summer. I worked at Holt Adoption Camps all summer and traveled around the United States, writing and implementing curriculum for the camps, and running adoption talks. But I have to say, one of the most therapeutic things I did, was being asked to be on these panels, where we answered questions the director asked us, and then answered questions from adoptive parents. Not only was this the first time I had been around adoptees, it was the first time I've talked about some of these issues, let alone said them out loud in front of total strangers. It gave me a sense of relief, putting out there all of these feelings I've been suppressing for most of my life. A huge weight was lifted and it felt amazing. At first I was nervous and not sure what I wanted to share, and terrified of what parent's would ask me. But after the first time, I loved it. It not only helped me mentally and emotionally, it helped educate these parents, who really wanted to listen and learn from our experiences.

This past week, I was asked to be on another panel, but instead of adoptive parents, it was the Asian Community of Atlanta. There were about 30 people there, and it was completely laid back and supportive. But it had a completely different feel. They really felt for us, and maybe they had very specific feelings about adoptees, and issue with that, but for the first time, for some of them, they really got to see it from a perspective they never had the opportunity to view it from, and it really affected them. I had one man, probably around 55-60, come up to me after, and say,"Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be thinking about this for a very long time." And I could see the tears in his eyes. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea what he had gone through, but I could tell it was significant and he had a huge emotional reaction to our stories.

I realized that even within the Asian community,there is still the need to educate, because they see us physically, and assume so many things about us, having no idea who and what we are, aside from what we look like. They are disappointed or disgusted sometimes, that we don't know Korean, or have not embraced our birth culture. They don't realize the struggles we had, with our identity, growing up in an all white family, and an all white community. They can't relate, and so we are constantly caught in this limbo, where we feel isolate and alone. But I appreciate opportunities like this, to be able to educate and bring together people, that maybe for the first time, can see from a different perspective and hopefully understand for a moment, what we struggle with, everyday.

Bonds

Sorry guys!! I have been soo busy this past week, I totally forgot to write a new entry! I have to say I met a new adoptee this week and it was great! She asked me to be a part of a panel for Asian adoptees. I'm sooo excited, I'll have to tell you guys all about it! I have to say I love the instant bond we feel when we are around other adoptees. It's a different kind of friendship, one that brings complete strangers together and creates families, relationships unlike any in my life. This past summer has given me brothers, sisters, best friends that will last a life time. I will forever be thankful for finally finding the adoptee community. I couldn't live without it!!

Advice...

One of my childhood friends adopted a boy from Korea. I was so happy for her and overjoyed to see how excited they were to finally have him be a part of their family. I never thought about the issues he might have, once he got older, because at the time, I was still in denial myself with my own issues. I realize now after the summer, how much my perspective has changed. I've listened to hundreds of kids, wept and laughed with them, and realized how beautiful it is to have a community of adoptees present in my life.

Recently she reached out to me, and it made my heart ache to think at such a young age, he was already having identity issues. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I asked a friend. He told me never deny the fact they are different, the worse thing you can say is that I don't even see you as Asian or different, I am colorblind. In saying that you are calling them crazy, if I don't feel that way how can you? What you are feeling is invalid. What you should say is yes, you are different, beautiful, special and unique. Celebrate that, be proud of what and who you are. Never be ashamed or embarrassed, because you are amazing just the way you are.

But I truly feel that words can only help so much. After a while they will seem empty if they have no one that they can connect to and express their feelings to, who can truly understand what they are going through. Make it the norm for them to have a community in their lives.....it will make a world of difference.

Atlanta Retreat 2011

This weekend reminded me of why our adoptee community is so important. For someone who never had access to other adoptees, I realize how profound these camps, retreats, and picnics impact our lives. It gives us a sense of family, support and understanding. For that brief moment, it shows us that we are not alone, that there are thousands of us out there, willing to accept and love us, because we can relate to each other, in a way no one else can in our lives. A part of our identity that will forever be defined, explained and judged by other people. That is why it is so important we have these opportunities to be brought together and educate ourselves and other non adoptees on our unique and special circumstances.

I am so lucky to be a part of this experience for other adoptees. I can only hope that this community will keep expanding, where every adoptee feels connected and NOT alone. I can only hope that the distance between us, will keep shrinking and we will feel like no matter where we are, we are always supported and understood. And if we need someone to talk to they are only a phone call or text or skype converstation away. Stay connected, keep building this amazing community, the strength and love you get from these fellow adoptees is priceless. A gift. With every adoptee I meet, I becoming more blessed, being able to share my story and hopefully giving them advice and knowledge from my experiences. And in turn, teaching me how to be strong, confident and loved for who I am.

Post Camp

I realize how quickly we fall back into our lives, the daily grind, the normal routine, the friends we surround ourselves with. This all plays into who we are in that moment in time. I realize being away from camp, how much the affect of what has happened effects my day to day routine. I am constantly aware of who I am, where I am and what I allow to define the person I am becoming. I was never as confident and aware as I am now. I will not allow this summer to be a distant memory, it will remain a part of who I am every minute of every day.

It was hard at first to fall back into my normal routine. I wasn't the same person I was before this summer, so how could I return to "this" life. I was skeptical and scared being away from my community of adoptees. I wasn't sure if I would be able to relate to the people in my life anymore. How could they possibly understand what I had been through? Would they really want to listen to what I had learned, seen and experienced? And would I even want to share with them what had happened to me over the summer. I kept it close to my chest for a long time, not wanting that feeling to be belittled by other people.

I didn't want this amazing summer to be reduced to, "Oh yeah it was a great summer!" So it took a long time for me to actually talk about my experiences. Which I did, and it felt unbelievable, because for the first time, the people in my life that couldn't relate, now see from an entirely new perspective and understanding. Which made them feel closer to me, than ever before.

Change...

I'm always dumbfounded when people say, "They can't change, that's just how they are." I find it to be such a cop out. I believe people are always capable of change, in fact, I hope they are growing and learning and changing all the time. I believe its a choice, and some people choose not to change. For them I can only feel sympathy, because they are missing out on so much life experiences. Defining moments that alter the way we view and feel about life.

I've learned alot from this past week. I've talked to my parent's about topics I've always been afraid or not encouraged to ask. But I realized if I were to learn anything, if my parent's were to learn anything, this was the time to test that theory. My dad is an amazing man. He has always been a mentor to me. As a child, the few times I have tried to express my issues on adoption, he would listen, and always say just be proud of who you are. I guess he didn't realize I had no idea who I was, my identity was a mystery at that age. I felt I was in limbo, not really belonging to my family and not really knowing what being Asian was. I looked one way on the outside, but felt completely different on the inside.

I asked him if he ever thought about the reality of adopting a child of a different race. He said he never thought about it. I didn't understand, you never thought about it? How is that possible? Well he said he was so thankful and excited about adopting me, and becoming his daughter, nothing else mattered. From the moment I was put into his arms, I was his daughter, blood or not. I was apart of his family and that's all that mattered.

Now for a minute I stood back and thought, how ignorant. I am being raised in an all white family, a small suburban town, with little to no diversity and you wouldn't think I would have issues with that? But I have to say for the first time ever, I actually understood my dad. I got it. It was hard to hear from my perspective, but I could see for the first time, his perspective.

As an adult, I might disagree with their thinking, but I have to say, I know I was loved. I had a great childhood, and yes it was marred with ignorant incidents and racist comments, but my family always stuck by me. They could never relate, but they tried to raise me and love me the best way they knew how. So I can only be thankful, and grateful that now, after what I've learned from this summer, working with other adoptees, it's never too late to change. My dad recognizes my issues and we can for the first time have a conversations about it. I can only be thankful, that good or bad, everything that has happened to me, has helped define the person I am today.

Parents...

I understand why adoptive parents find it difficult to talk to us about adoption. Its emotional, uncomfortable for both parties and a subject that adoptive parents can't relate to. So after this summer, I had a clear understanding why it was such a touchy subject and how hard it was to start that conversation. If the kids aren't talking about it, then how do the parent's bring it up? And why aren't the kids bringing it up, do they feel like they would hurt their parents feelings, or they're not encouraged to, or do they not feel comfortable talking to their parent's about it? Or do they feel like I did, when I tried and my parent's got all emotional and shut down, so made it hard for me to ever bring it up again. So I never did.

Closing that door has led to many suppressed issues over the years. I never had that environment where I felt safe and supported to talk about all of the emotions and issues I was feeling and going through. I can't blame my parent's entirely, but I can make them take responsibility for adopting a child of a different race. With that comes more than just giving us a home, love and family. Its a responsibility of making a promise that when we do have issues and questions, which we will, we can come and talk to them about it, and feel safe and encouraged to do so. That is part of the package, as difficult and uncomfortable as that might be, it's the responsibility of our parents to recognize that.

Searching for my birth parents...

I've gone my entire life without having any interest in searching for my birth parents. Yes, I went through my anger period when I thought, how could she just walk away from me, abandon me at such a young age. Walk away from her own flesh and blood. The older I got I was able to see it from her side, and realize that she was trying to give me a better life, a chance I might not have had with her.

After talking to soo many adoptees this summer, that had searched for their birth parents, and found them, I guess deep down inside it gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, I could get Holt to pull my files and there might be some lost letter or forgotten piece of paper with some information about my birth parents.

Unfortunately I knew that records weren't kept as well as they are today, and there was little to no hope in finding my parents. My feelings were confirmed when I had Holt pull my records, which I guess deep down inside I knew. But for some reason, I have to admit, I was sad. I guess the child in me, still held on to the hope that someday, somewhere, I would find them. But for now, I am content in knowing that I will have no regrets pulling my files. And now, I can finally close the door to that part of my life.

Thank you

Thank you guys for reading and becoming followers!! I appreciate it more than you know!! I plan on posting once a week, so let me know what you think!! Love you guys!!

Its a constant battle dealing with the issue of my identity. Before this summer, I was in limbo. Raised in an all white family, in a small suburban town, I was the only adoptee. I was acutely aware of how different I was and how I didn't quite fit in with my family. I mean they never made me feel adopted, they were great at trying to assimilate me into being a Foley, but I was constantly reminded in public that I was always going to be viewed as not one of them. Whether it was strangers asking ignorant questions, or other kids pointing out," Oh those are YOUR parents?"

I guess I got use to it, so I became immune to those comments as a kid. The few Asians in my town, I'm talking about 3 other Asians, were all raised by Asian parents, raised in their culture, and again something I couldn't relate to. So it was hard for me to understand their perspectives on life. I have to admit being around other Asian as a kid made me uncomfortable. I wanted so much to be white, that I guess in my mind, being around other Asians, would make remind people that I was Asian. I know, stupid. I remember asking my dad, "Well I look more white than Asian, right?"

But the struggle I have is that so many Caucasians expect me to want to get in touch with my roots, and are almost mad or confused on why I wouldn't want to know more about my heritage. I would get upset because why do I have to investigate that part of me? Do you see the struggle, I was raised American, look Korean, but feel white. So before this summer, I had no interest in exploring my heritage. I didn't feel Korean, in fact, I hated being Asian, well hates a strong word, but had issue with being Asian. I never felt like that was an important identity I needed to examine.

But now my perspective has changed. I don't know what it is, but being around all those adoptees this summer, and hearing their stories, really changed me. It made me proud to be Korean, and for the first time, I didn't look around in a room and wish I was that pretty brunette in the corner. I had pride in who I was and that was a first. I could look in the mirror and actually like the person staring back at me.

I know after this summer, I'm not the only person that has felt this way, so I pose a question, if you've ever dealt with this inner struggle, adopted or not, how did you get to a place where you could look at yourself in the mirror and love the person staring back at you?

I

Holt Camp 2011

It's taken a good three weeks for me to truly reflect on what has happened to me this summer. I can't even begin to tell my close friends how much this camp experience has changed my life. It was the first time I've been around other adoptees, and it was overwhelming for me at first. I was surrounded by people that could finally relate to what I had been going through my entire life. Imagine that, all these years, alone, feeling slightly crazy for having suppressed all of those feelings and now I had 20 other people that could validate my experiences and feelings...I have finally found a community that I belong to. Where I can be myself and not be judged or made fun of. Its an amazing feeling to finally have found a place where I belong, feel safe and have others that can relate, who truly get it......

So two more weeks and I'm off to camp! It's funny I started packing and then realized I've never been to an overnight camp? What do I bring? Sad thing is I've never even been camping, so I'm pretty much screwed. Thank God my husband travels, a lot, so he has so much stuff to help me out on my pathetic attempt to pack. He's so prepared with things I wouldn't even think of, like my very own clothes line, I can hang up, so my non-dryer clothes won't get ruined or I can air out my stuff at the end of the day......Love him!

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous, but excited! It will be the first time I'm around more than one other adoptee! Crazy! I'm not going to put any expectations on this summer, but I know that I will learn so much about myself this summer.

I talked to my dad on Father's Day and even as a young kid, he always said, give back, no matter what you do in your life, Tracy, give back to others. I hope that I can do that this summer....

So in 4 weeks I am off to Atlanta.....My life begins..

New beginings.....

I need to get use to writing on this everyday....or at least once a week. I'm so excited because today the director of the camp put us all on a group text so we can chat....Love it! I can't tell you how excited I am for this summer!! I'm hoping for the first time in my life to have tons of adopted friends and family....This definitely will be life changing....

Its funny, I was on the Holt website and wrote a quick blurb of how I felt about my experience on being adopted. I was amazed at how many people responded and read my thoughts. I started to realize that I really wanted to try and be more involved in adoption world. So I decided to apply and inquire about their summer camps. Man, I wish they had the camp when I was a kid! So I talked to the director Steve, who was amazing and applied. I am happy to say I was accepted and will be working with them this summer!!! I can't describe to you how excited I am to be apart of this camp! I think it will be life changing for me.

See I never had an adopted friend before, someone to relate to and share my experiences with! Steve said after this summer, I'll have more than I know what to do with!! Awesome!! Its hard to be all alone, to have no one to relate to, even at my age. Its crazy how all of our stories are so similar and the base of what we want is exactly the same. I realized that even in our thirties, we still have unresolved issues from being raised in all white families and all white communities. I wish there was camps for adults!! LOL